Saturday, July 19, 2014

Beginning my journey to a better self

A mantra I learned from a cute girls site called Richer experiences


Hi Everyone.

I'm writing this for anyone who is feeling flat, lost, depressed or completely lack luster with the world and society and living in it. I know how it feels and I've begun a journey which I know deep inside my heart is a way to release all those feelings and to feel free, happy and love. At the bottom of this page I will share some really helpful resources for people who want to start to find this new way of being. They've helped me a lot. As I discover more and go further I will share more.

I've been feeling flat, dissatisfied, disenchanted and disengaged from society in general for the last year or so and that has been on the tail end of a really difficult couple of years. Let me give you an idea of what I've been through and now where I am heading in to a much more positive future. 

I've struggled most of my life with depression and anxiety and everything fell in to a big pooey pile of stink in 2009 when I lost a pregnancy, got badly burnt on my legs from a very hot olive oil accident and to round off the bad things come in three quota, my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. This rocked my world in a really bad way. I basically fell apart completely. He was somewhat of a rock and guide for me in the crazy world and I'd lost my compass and sounding board. I really went off the rails, I drank A LOT, I didn't care about anything and I carried so much pain that would just erupt violently at any given moment. At the time my father died I was in a relationship with a german guy (father of lost baby) and after the grueling few months after losing the baby and finally well on the mend from the burns my boyfriend needed some home and family time so once he knew I was coping ok he set off on a plane bound for a month of regrouping in his beautiful little village home. I sent him off to the air port one morning, that morning at work I got the most dreadful call from my sister telling me dad was dead. Everything stopped and I screamed in pain. I felt it was a cruel twist of fate that I had just sent off my beautiful boyfriend on a plane when I needed him most...

I wont continue in to all the extreme phases of guilt anxiety, depression that I went through in the months that followed, just trust me it was messy and a blur and difficult. After a few months of pain and doing nothing much at all except for taking respite in the sanctuary of my very understanding Aunty's house, I then took a few months off with my boyfriend traveling around Australia in a 4x4. This is something my Dad would have loved to do and I think this was my way to hold on to him a little longer. I remember one particular eruption of pain when we were camping miles and miles from anywhere in the outback on a dry dirt road and up came the shaking, the pain and the realisation that he wasn't coming back hit me like a slap in the face with a cold fish, I couldn't stand it, couldn't cope and ran down that road, determined that if I ran hard enough and yelled loud enough (thankfully we were miles from anyone or I may have been locked up for being Loco!) that he might come back, I cried and walked and ran and walked some more screaming at him to come back. I had broken down. My very patient kind and understanding boyfriend did the best thing in that situation he could have done, he let me go. Eventually I wore myself out, I calmed myself down and I slowly plodded back to the car and him and he just gave me a cuddle. After this trip I set off to move to Germany thinking a fresh start would be good. It was a difficult two years as I was still carrying so much grief and began to withdraw more and more from the outside world. It was particularly hard being in a country with a completely different language and culture and I felt very alienated and isolated and alone. After 2 long years and trying very hard to over come my anxiety and depression through all sorts of methods (finding an english speaking psychologist is difficult enough, we had 1 in our city and to be honest, she was crap) I decided I needed to go home, back to Australia where i knew I could get the help I needed. It was a really hard decision for me because I loved my boyfriend with all my heart, but I didnt have a choice anymore, I had to save myself. 

I came back and saw doctors, psychologist, psychiatrists, went on medication, eventually went off all medication, and slowly transformed myself into a person that could feel positive emotions again. I got a job and got better and made friends (and sadly lost my boyfriend who didn't want to come to Australia and that was his choice but it broke my heart) but still after 2 years my anxiety is so much better, I am coping so much better as a person, my depression isn't nearly as bad, I feel moments of happiness often now but still I've been feeling flat, dissatisfied, disengaged.

So I've started looking for more. 

I discovered a meditation through an amazing company in Adelaide called Lifeflow. They teach you in a way that really clicks with you and takes away the fear of "I cant meditate and empty my mind of thoughts". That idea is gone after one class and you see benefits after one class. I've recently done a retreat with lifeflow over a weekend in the Adelaide hills and its the beginning of my journey to a better self. I know it, well, because I know it deep inside myself, an intuition that tells me you're finally on the right track. The more I search for ways to enlighten myself the more things open up. I wanted to get in to yoga, but not at a gym or some bogas class, I wanted to learn Yoga properly and the way it is connected to meditation. I googled a Yoga school and found this amazing place in North Adelaide called the Australian school of Yoga and Meditation. they are ll over Australia. I found they have meditation classes and they are free. So although I was scared and nervous as I usually am doing something new, I pushed through my fear and went to my first class on a Sunday night that was both lovely and delicious - they served free vegetarian dinners and desert - donations welcome. The more I keep looking for things to do and people to be connected with down this path the more opportunities arise and the happier Im feeling. Im getting connected to my true self, learning how to be as my true self in a peaceful and loving state. I lost my job (which was in a grey old boring sometimes nasty office or dreadgery - I think I made that word up but I do do that ) I lost it a month and a half ago. I went through a few weeks of depression then picked myself up and started to look for something new, thats what pushed me to do the meditation retreat and ultimately started me on this path.

I feel like I have found a golden ticket and I think the natural flow of the universe is if you start seeking you shall too find your path.

To begin with I thought I'd share a couple of things that are helping me get on my path and along the way I'll share more of my journey and how to become a better version of yourself... if you want to hear it that is.

Firstly I would like to share a yoga tip. One you can do at home. Its a girl called Adrienne who makes youtube videos that you can do at home. I love her organic approach to yoga and her energy, which glows through even the static medium of video. She has over 500,000 subscriptions to her yoga page and Im sure its because everyone who uses it feels like she is amazing at connecting with you through her videos. A nice easy simple beginners video is here. I've been starting on this one every day for a week and its only 20 minutes, super simple for even the most uncoordinated of us and helps open up the body and begin to become aware of our bodies and connect us with our bodies.

I will also share below a couple of books I have read recently which really inspired me and a couple websites for anyone wanting to try meditation for the first time.
Here it is: 

YOGA WITH ADRIENNE: Have a look at her page, there are heaps of great videos.



https://www.youtube.com/user/yogawithadriene

Books:
Shantaram - got me wanting to travel and change my current circumstannces, it gave me energy to seek more

Eat Pray Love - yes I know you've all seen the movie - read the book, you will get a lot out of it. Just do it.

Meditation: 
If you live in Adelaide I strongly advise doing a course with Lifeflow as they explain things in a way you will understand and set you up with good foundations for proper meditation practice. I wouldn't start anywhere else. If you don't understand meditation then you will go to a session and think - meh, that does nothing. To start with all its about is relaxing and finding some peace, you will learn more as you go and I can't recommend it more highly. 

LIFEFLOW: www.lifeflow.com.au  - I know Byron bay is full of great meditation places and retreats, Ive also met people that fly down from Byron to attend lifeflow instead.

RICHER EXPERIENCES: This is a site by a lovely girl called Kristen Johnson. Watch a couple of her videos, she is also on her own journey and really beautiful and inspiring: https://www.youtube.com/user/richerexperiences

AUSTRALIAN SCHOOL OF YOGA AND MEDITATION: www.asm.org.au Available all over Australia and free!

Thanks for reading

Jade xxx

2 comments:

  1. Jade, so glad you are enjoying the path to finding more of your true self. You are such a beautiful, talented, magnetic light in this world.

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    1. Hey Jen, Thanks so much for your kind words xxx

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